Tag Archives: work

what I’ve been into

TV that I’m into: “Playing House” on USA with Jessica St. Claire and Lennon Parham. I’ve been binge-watching this show, and I LOVE it. It’s exactly my sense of humor. It also has the added bonus of having Keegan-Michael Key in it.

TV that I’m looking forward to: “I’m Sorry” with Andrea Savage on TruTV

Books I’ve been reading: I’ve been reading A LOT lately, which is good. Just finished a historical novel called The Ghost of the Mary Celeste. It’s based on a real incident, and pulls a lot from history including the Spiritualism craze, Arthur Conan Doyle, and more. I just started my second Erik Larson book, In The Garden of Beasts. It’s about the American consulate in Germany during WWII and his family.

Work stuff: Just finished a book on Ethereum, which is Bitcoin’s competition. It’s unique in that you can create applications on its blockchain, it’s not just for currency. If that makes no sense to you, look it up, I’m not going to summarize the book again. I usually just get blank stares. Still working on the book for my Gildshire articles, too, just finished up editing and writing the intros.

What I’ve cooked/baked lately: Made no-bake brownies with black beans and dates. It’s more like fudge than brownies, but it’s delicious. Getting out a slice is kind of like digging for fossils, because they have to be frozen, but it’s worth it. I also made homemade tomato sauce the other day. It was a bit runny, but I can thicken it up by just reducing it some more. I didn’t make this, but we tried Ben and Jerry’s “One Love” ice cream flavor, which is banana ice cream, graham cracker, caramel, and chocolate peace signs. Chris says it might be his new favorite.

Fitness stuff: Still using the good ol’ mini trampoline and rowing machine most nights. I take just one day off a week. Also got myself a resistance band, which is very convenient. Looking forward to having the toned arms of my dreams. It’s been gross and hot lately, so haven’t been exercising outdoors as much as I (or Yoshi) would like, but what can ya do. I know weight isn’t the goal here, but I am happy that I’ve successfully went down to about 155 after plateauing at 160 for so long. Paying attention to macros and sugar has made the difference. It doesn’t matter if I’m eating just 1200 calories if way too many of them are coming from sugar.

Novel stuff: Still steadily working on my Harley Gray novel. I filled out one notebook, so I’m on to a new one. That feels like an accomplishment. Been focusing a lot on trying to actually picture my characters moving around in the world I’ve created, so I can convey that to the reader. That means writing a lot of stuff that won’t actually end up in the book. I’m still figuring out how to get that in the story without actually putting it in the story (like a character’s whole marriage, basically), but I enjoy the challenge.

So that’s pretty much it, that’s what I’ve been doing. Small group meets again soon. Chris’ parents will be visiting, which means beach day!

 

 

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Change of Plans

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Instead of lowering my medication dose like I planned, my therapist has suggested I stop messing with it for now. She said there might be a “better” time, but pessimism tells me that no “good” time exists. It’s basically trying to anticipate the pitfalls of lowering medication (withdrawal, depression and anxiety coming back stronger) and plan life accordingly. If I’m in a job, that could be tricky.

My therapist is retiring, too. I had my last session with her. So now I have to find another therapist at a time when the depression and anxiety has actually been increasing again. Liz even said she feels that she isn’t finished working with me and that I should definitely keep seeing a counselor. Merg. I have a couple names, but starting over with a therapist is always kind of exhausting.

 

The Cost of Existing

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I feel rather blue today.

Because of the color green.

Money.

Everything has a price.

Education, mental health, transportation, bodily health.

I made a stupid mistake and misjudged how much my class cost this semester and now there’s this ugly chunk of money that we need to pay and don’t really know how to pay. It’s not like we absolutely cannot pay it. We’re still privileged. But we also can’t save any money. I feel like I just eat up money by existing. My pills, my appointments with the psychiatrist that I need to have to get my pills, my therapist, any fees that I have to pay if I can’t see my therapist when we were scheduled, my insanely expensive school (which is also part of my privilege, both in that I can go and that my parents are incredibly generous), and anything else that I might require to live, such as girl things and what have you, like getting a cavity filled.

I haven’t worked in a while. I don’t know what it’s like to really contribute financially. Right now, I’m trying to find a job at Macalester since they gave me work study. They also don’t help me find a job, which is awkward. That’s frustrating.

I’m trying to figure out how to do a budget. Groceries are really difficult, since the stuff that’s cheap is also the stuff that makes me sick. The cheapest foods are pasta and bread, which literally cause depression to worsen. Most types of nitrates and artificial sweeteners are off the table. I used to eat a lot of canned soup, which was economical, but now I have terrible allergic reactions to just about every brand. We live on those frozen chicken breasts or tenders in the big(ish) bags. Since I started making meals for myself and Chris, I have never bought beef. I almost never buy anything fresh, because it’s going to have to last for a while. If I buy a zucchini or anything, we have to eat it all that night. I worry about my vegetable intake. Frozen peas are only going to go so far, health-wise. I’m starting to put off grocery shopping until our meals start to get a little weird.

I see lots of people around my age having babies, and I’m just like “Whaaaaaat?” We have a hedgehog and had to give away our dog as a foster pet to Chris’ parents, that’s about as family-minded as we are right now. What is even happening? But everyone lives differently, I guess.

I don’t know, I guess I’m just being kind of dreamy about the future. I was looking at houses a few weeks ago, foreclosures specifically, and was thinking, “Hey, houses aren’t so expensive…” Hmm, yeah, there’s probably a reason for that. I was just wishing we had a little more space so I didn’t feel like I was always surrounded by stuff if I left out my painting supplies, that we could have a dishwasher, that we could have Yoshi and not worry about him barking. It hurts a little to let go of that dream for now.

But we’re happy. We’re blessed. We have people who support us and would help if we needed them to. Everything is good.

The Exhaustion of Boredom

ImageWith the threat of school gone, my anxiety has faded into depression. This is familiar territory, but it’s territory that doesn’t get easier to move through. It’s a mountain range, with deep valleys and high cliffs. There’s nothing to do but keep climbing, slowly, slowly, slowly. It’s boring and it’s hard.

Depression takes away my motivation. I don’t want to read, eat, go out, watch TV, draw, or write. Doing anything but sleep is like pulling myself through tar. I used to wonder what the section of my psychiatrist’s survey meant when it asked “Have you been moving slowly, so that others notice?” Now I know. It’s like I’ve aged fifty years and picking something up takes deep concentration.

Being bored is something I’m trying to accept and work towards. If I’m not bored, it means I’m sleeping, and I don’t want to sleep. I have to exert my brain to think of what to draw and I’m not always excited about what I choose, but I have to fight through it and just keep drawing. I’m not excited about watching a movie, but I force myself to sit and pay attention. All food is unexciting, but I figure out what I need to put in my body (protein, water) and I eat.

Just keep moving.

Just. Keep. Moving.