Tag Archives: humor

Childhood Fears

The first real fear I remember experiencing was a fear of witches. Given the fact that I was not born during the late 1600’s or even on the West Coast of the US, this probably seems odd. While I may not have been born during the Salem witch trials, I was a young person in an Evangelical world when the Harry Potter phenomena erupted into popular culture like a firestream from hell. While many Christian kids got to read the books and enjoy the subsequent movies unquestioned, there was a small but aggressive Evangelical sect of Christianity that viewed Harry Potter with deep suspicion. It was probably the only thing they had in common with the Catholics. I don’t know its origins or even why my parents – normally so reasonable in all things – fell prey to it. Someone my parents knew must have brought up Harry Potter as a source of nefariousness, because before I even really knew what it was, my brother and I were not allowed to read the books or see the films. When we made friends who wondered why, my brother and I were given a video entitled “Harry Potter: Witchcraft Repackaged” that would answer all our questions. The goal of the film was to show how Harry Potter was responsible for a renewed interest in paganism, the occult, and Satanism. It was “repackaging” a dangerous, soul-damning practice into a nice story about a messy-haired wizard boy with glasses. The video consisted of:

  1. Ominous music playing over black-and-white photos of J.K. Rowling, including one in which she appeared like a floating head with no body
  2. Multiple scenes from the 1996 movie, “The Craft,” one which featured a young girl getting struck by lightning and possessed
  3. Shaky footage from “Wiccan spring fertility” ceremonies, with more ominous music added
  4. A “real-life” witch pretending to fly around a cauldron on a broomstick during Halloween
  5. Screenshots from Harry Potter chat rooms where tweens asked how they could study witchcraft and cast spells to make their crushes like them

After watching this video, I was on constant alert. I would hear stories about other Evangelicals who met real-life witches and the weird things that would happen, like children having constant nightmares after walking past a witch’s house, and my fear persisted. I was simultaneously drawn to and horrified by the “Alternative Beliefs” section in Barnes and Noble, where they stocked tomes such as “Wicca and Witchcraft for Dummies” and “Traditional Witchcraft for Urban Living.” If I lingered too long, I would worryt hat I had “picked something up,” which is a real term for when a demonic spirit latches onto an unsuspecting host and messes with their lives. The solution was to use the Bible or other prayers to send it away, almost in a spell-like fashion.

Women were especially vulnerable to the effects and allure of witchcraft, probably because Eve was the one who Satan went after and successfully tempted into eating the forbidden fruit. In terms of “sin origins,” which means the real root of any sin a person can commit (i.e. if you only think about yourself and are inconsiderate of others, you are guilty of pride), witchcraft is considered the sin of control. If you like to control everything in your life, you are vulnerable to witchcraft. This was very troubling to a 12-year old perfectionist who hated spontaneity. Would I accidentally become a witch? I was tempted to google “spells,” just to see, but if I did that, I could be kidnapped by a coven who had my IP address and then there would be no going back. I often lay awake at night in a cold sweat, terrified I would die and go to hell. I mistook panic attacks for demonic possession. Witchcraft was everywhere, and I couldn’t escape it.

Once the correct diagnosis of anxiety cleared up most of my concerns about my own soul and I spent less time lying awake contemplating damnation, my fear of witchcraft faded. Besides seeing occasional bumper stickers that read “Get a taste of religion, lick a witch,” I have never actually met anyone who professed to be a witch. I also started to learn more about “alternative beliefs” from sources other than Evangelical video companies and realized that Wicca and Satanism are not – in fact – one and the same. Even if I did meet a witch, they would not immediately attach a demon to my back. A Satanist wouldn’t even do that. That’s just a dick move. If I ever do something that would warrant that kind of action, I probably deserve it. Some things haven’t changed though. I still refuse to see “The Craft.”

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5 Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From Murder

We’re getting political again here, folks. This is a satire I wrote for my Literary Humor Writing class. 

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The world is a dangerous place. Though the lamestream media doesn’t cover it, every day young people are murdered in “safe” places by insane criminals who are more than likely part of gangs and/or terrorist cells from “no-go zones.” As a parent, you love your kids and want to keep them as safe as possible. Therefore, it only makes sense that the more guns around your kids and the more experience your kids have with guns, the better adapted they will be to defend themselves when the race war inevitably begins (thanks, Obama). The following list will provide you with comprehensive ways to educate them on how to protect themselves when they get their first gun on their fourth birthday.

1.Teach them about safety from a very young age

A child is never too young to learn about safety. Many people go to shooting ranges to hone their skills, but even smaller kids can benefit from lessons. Exercise your constitutional freedoms by holding “Mommy and Me” classes in your backyard where infants can gather and learn how to load, clean, disassemble, and reassemble a variety of weapons in a matter of seconds. Babies already take swimming lessons as young as 6 months; why not bring guns – humankind’s greatest form of self-defense – into the mix?

2. Make safety fun

A big problem with making society safer is the unfair stigma and censorship surrounding guns. Making safety as fun as possible will help make young kids less afraid of what should be their best friend. Change up classic lyrics and sing along to child-friendly songs like “Turkey in the Straw, Because I Shot Him,” “Itsy Bitsy Spesco Falcon,” and “Ba Ba Beretta.” Repetition is key, so sing these tunes as frequently as possible so the concept of safety is imprinted on your child’s mind clearer than the red dot of a sniper’s rifle.

3. Envelop them in safety

You can never be too safe. Everyone knows the more guns the better. Decorate your home with wallpaper printed with gun images so your young ones can feel the cold-steel embrace of ammunition at all times. Duct-tape guns under tables, chairs, beds, and inside cupboards. This will desensitize them to the rampant anti-gun messages that the media constantly shoves down their throats. Come on, Stallone, Bullet to the Head? Why not Bullet to the Head, Back, Face, and Torso?

4. Confront people who want your kids dead

It’s hard to believe, but there are groups solely dedicated to making the world less safe. Confront these dangerous lunatics by approaching them carefully with your guns and staring at them without speaking. If you do speak, make sure you shout, so they know just how important kids’ lives are to you and how upset you are that they are supporting mass murder. If they are still not responsive, consider waving your weapon around in case they didn’t see it. The presence of guns will ease everyone’s worries and will no doubt help facilitate a civil discussion.

5. Defy attempts to make your community less safe

No gun-zones? What is this, communist Russia? Or London? Set an example for your kids by refusing to enter any business unarmed. Who knows when an al Qaeda or hoodied gang banger might leap through the window at Dairy Queen, showering down a storm of bullets upon the unsuspecting crowd? Show your children that you love them by proudly displaying your semi-automatic at any and every location, including fast food restaurants, salons, libraries, and aquariums. If the business in question refuses to serve you, you now know who in your community hates children and wants to see them all dead.

Sochi Problems

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This is a weird Olympics. And by weird, I mean problematic, but with moments of humor.

Problems:

Russia is horrendously anti-LGBTQ, to the point where certain Western activists and recently-freed feminist group Pussy Riot called for boycotts of the games.

Construction has raised environmental problems, like the dumping of waste into an illegal landfill which could led to contamination in Sochi water.

The systematic poisoning of stray dogs in the city.

This is the most expensive Winter Games ever, and that has been blamed on corruption.

Humor:

Look up the twitter tag #sochiproblems. It includes tweets from athletes and reporters.

No lobbies in hotels because of ongoing construction, the weird bathrooms, polluted water, and finding a dead bee in a little plastic tub of honey.

Even the “funny” isn’t like hilariously funny, because it basically shows up Sochi isn’t ready and if this is how it looks for international stars, it must suck for residents to try and live a normal life there right now.

 

Silly Gooses

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Our first photo together // November 2011

I knew Chris and I would probably be stuck together when, on our second real date, I was stabbing the ice cubes in my water with a straw and looked up to see him staring at me. His expression was dreamy, as if I was the most perfect thing he had seen. That’s when I knew he had already fallen in love with me.

He loves the little things about me, the oddities, and that’s what I love about him, too. We play these night word games for hours, just lying in bed, games like “The Weirdest Movie Cast Ever,” where we just say stuff like, “Starring Angela Lansbury, Sean William Scott, and Meatloaf.” Or, if we’re really tired, we’ll just say words that rhyme – “Blame.” “Flame.” “Dame.” – until we run out of rhymes. We constantly quote snippets from our favorite TV shows or just speak in sounds, like Furbies. If people could see how weird we are when it’s just us, they would probably question our ability to function in civilized society.

This kind of goofiness is what keeps me happy during my more depressive days. Chris can always make me laugh. It’s pretty impossible to stay super low when your favorite person is doing a spot-on impression of John Goodman or Robert de Niro’s face
(it’s the frown-smile look). Not that Chris is just a piece of silly string when I’m crying about the hopeless of life; he knows when to be serious, but he also knows how important humor is for me when I’m sad. Humor is also something I employ when I’m sad, to deflect my negative feelings. I’m always able to make my psychiatrist laugh.

Whenever Chris and I have made each other laugh hysterically for a while, we always say the same phrases. It’s one of our ways of saying “I love you.”

“You’re a silly goose.”

“YOU’RE a silly goose.”

 

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