5 Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From Murder

We’re getting political again here, folks. This is a satire I wrote for my Literary Humor Writing class. 

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The world is a dangerous place. Though the lamestream media doesn’t cover it, every day young people are murdered in “safe” places by insane criminals who are more than likely part of gangs and/or terrorist cells from “no-go zones.” As a parent, you love your kids and want to keep them as safe as possible. Therefore, it only makes sense that the more guns around your kids and the more experience your kids have with guns, the better adapted they will be to defend themselves when the race war inevitably begins (thanks, Obama). The following list will provide you with comprehensive ways to educate them on how to protect themselves when they get their first gun on their fourth birthday.

1.Teach them about safety from a very young age

A child is never too young to learn about safety. Many people go to shooting ranges to hone their skills, but even smaller kids can benefit from lessons. Exercise your constitutional freedoms by holding “Mommy and Me” classes in your backyard where infants can gather and learn how to load, clean, disassemble, and reassemble a variety of weapons in a matter of seconds. Babies already take swimming lessons as young as 6 months; why not bring guns – humankind’s greatest form of self-defense – into the mix?

2. Make safety fun

A big problem with making society safer is the unfair stigma and censorship surrounding guns. Making safety as fun as possible will help make young kids less afraid of what should be their best friend. Change up classic lyrics and sing along to child-friendly songs like “Turkey in the Straw, Because I Shot Him,” “Itsy Bitsy Spesco Falcon,” and “Ba Ba Beretta.” Repetition is key, so sing these tunes as frequently as possible so the concept of safety is imprinted on your child’s mind clearer than the red dot of a sniper’s rifle.

3. Envelop them in safety

You can never be too safe. Everyone knows the more guns the better. Decorate your home with wallpaper printed with gun images so your young ones can feel the cold-steel embrace of ammunition at all times. Duct-tape guns under tables, chairs, beds, and inside cupboards. This will desensitize them to the rampant anti-gun messages that the media constantly shoves down their throats. Come on, Stallone, Bullet to the Head? Why not Bullet to the Head, Back, Face, and Torso?

4. Confront people who want your kids dead

It’s hard to believe, but there are groups solely dedicated to making the world less safe. Confront these dangerous lunatics by approaching them carefully with your guns and staring at them without speaking. If you do speak, make sure you shout, so they know just how important kids’ lives are to you and how upset you are that they are supporting mass murder. If they are still not responsive, consider waving your weapon around in case they didn’t see it. The presence of guns will ease everyone’s worries and will no doubt help facilitate a civil discussion.

5. Defy attempts to make your community less safe

No gun-zones? What is this, communist Russia? Or London? Set an example for your kids by refusing to enter any business unarmed. Who knows when an al Qaeda or hoodied gang banger might leap through the window at Dairy Queen, showering down a storm of bullets upon the unsuspecting crowd? Show your children that you love them by proudly displaying your semi-automatic at any and every location, including fast food restaurants, salons, libraries, and aquariums. If the business in question refuses to serve you, you now know who in your community hates children and wants to see them all dead.

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5 thoughts on “5 Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From Murder

  1. Great…guns in church, in your school classes, movie theaters, in bars where people have one too many. Sounds like a true hell on Earth.

    Just make sure you declare your town to be a “guns everywhere” zone, so I can make sure my family never comes within 50 miles of it. They’ll be much safer as a result, while you are busy killing each other off accidentally and/or on purpose.

      1. You definitely got me! I’m so glad it’s fake, because I’ve read a number of people’s posts here on WP who are completely sincere in the exact beliefs you expressed for the sake of amusement.

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