These Gloomy Days

When the weather changes, depression deepens.

Dark days and rain make getting up very difficult. The lack of sunlight makes getting vitamin D and E even harder, and my energy gets sucked up into the vacuum of space, never to be seen again. I want to hibernate. I enter cycles of stress where I don’t care about getting to class, then I care about missing them, become guilty, and then don’t care again. Having to email professors, Student Affairs, group members, and anyone else on whom my grades depend, is an exercise in vulnerability, showing strangers my deepest weakness, and praying that they understand. Not every professor has in the past. Most, but not all.

Sigh.

This is going to be the rest of my life. When the season changes, I have to anticipate it and brace myself. A lot of people have to do that to some extent, but for people with depression, it is a serious change. It’s not like you feel grumpy when you get up in the morning. It’s more like you don’t get up at all. For several mornings. Life is not structured well for people like me. We have to mold it, adjust it, make lots of compromises. I’m even more glad that I didn’t go through with my work study job because one month into school, I’m already having trouble getting to classes.

The machine churns on.

To not get left behind, I have to make life an experiment. Eat this then, sleep for this long at this time, do these exercises, avoid this, go for that, sacrifice this, take on this, and above all, keep breathing.

Maybe it’ll make sense one day.

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