The Cost of Existing


I feel rather blue today.

Because of the color green.


Everything has a price.

Education, mental health, transportation, bodily health.

I made a stupid mistake and misjudged how much my class cost this semester and now there’s this ugly chunk of money that we need to pay and don’t really know how to pay. It’s not like we absolutely cannot pay it. We’re still privileged. But we also can’t save any money. I feel like I just eat up money by existing. My pills, my appointments with the psychiatrist that I need to have to get my pills, my therapist, any fees that I have to pay if I can’t see my therapist when we were scheduled, my insanely expensive school (which is also part of my privilege, both in that I can go and that my parents are incredibly generous), and anything else that I might require to live, such as girl things and what have you, like getting a cavity filled.

I haven’t worked in a while. I don’t know what it’s like to really contribute financially. Right now, I’m trying to find a job at Macalester since they gave me work study. They also don’t help me find a job, which is awkward. That’s frustrating.

I’m trying to figure out how to do a budget. Groceries are really difficult, since the stuff that’s cheap is also the stuff that makes me sick. The cheapest foods are pasta and bread, which literally cause depression to worsen. Most types of nitrates and artificial sweeteners are off the table. I used to eat a lot of canned soup, which was economical, but now I have terrible allergic reactions to just about every brand. We live on those frozen chicken breasts or tenders in the big(ish) bags. Since I started making meals for myself and Chris, I have never bought beef. I almost never buy anything fresh, because it’s going to have to last for a while. If I buy a zucchini or anything, we have to eat it all that night. I worry about my vegetable intake. Frozen peas are only going to go so far, health-wise. I’m starting to put off grocery shopping until our meals start to get a little weird.

I see lots of people around my age having babies, and I’m just like “Whaaaaaat?” We have a hedgehog and had to give away our dog as a foster pet to Chris’ parents, that’s about as family-minded as we are right now. What is even happening? But everyone lives differently, I guess.

I don’t know, I guess I’m just being kind of dreamy about the future. I was looking at houses a few weeks ago, foreclosures specifically, and was thinking, “Hey, houses aren’t so expensive…” Hmm, yeah, there’s probably a reason for that. I was just wishing we had a little more space so I didn’t feel like I was always surrounded by stuff if I left out my painting supplies, that we could have a dishwasher, that we could have Yoshi and not worry about him barking. It hurts a little to let go of that dream for now.

But we’re happy. We’re blessed. We have people who support us and would help if we needed them to. Everything is good.


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