So for no reason at all, last night, I started crying and couldn’t stop. At first it was kind of a relief, I rarely cry, but then every sad thing ever just started circulating in my head. Every friendship that ended badly or just because we drifted, every sad scene in every movie, depressing story or novel, just merry-go-rounding in a carnival of depression. This time was weird, too, because every time I breathed in, a shooting sensation went through my right arm, like the feeling of when you hit your funny bone, only more sustained. It was very unsettling.
Today wasn’t much better. My eyes were still swollen and I was having sleep paralysis. I had to have my mom come over to make sure I got to my therapy appointment on time. Sitting there was hard. I felt slightly out of my body, my eyeballs wouldn’t focus, so I just stared at my therapist’s knees the whole time. We made some progress, I have some things to think about, but I do not feel like thinking about them anytime soon. I came home and passed out on the couch.
I’ve been trying to think about what might have triggered this particular episode. Is it just a random bout of sadness or was it brought on by something? A diet thing? Could a particular artificial element in a piece of pizza from Papa Murphy’s send me spiraling? The few meals of pasta-based dinners with Alfredo sauce? I’ve been doing everything right and then some. Medication has been good, I’ve been drinking more water, eating healthier, eating less sugar, exercising more….and then this happens and it’s the worst it’s been in a while. Lots of random crying. Lots of Chris not having any idea about what to do.
I’m hoping this is a short episode.